top of page

'We need a peace process.' (3)


So, there’s conflict in some aspect of your life and you want – need – to start a personal peace process, doing ‘what you can, with what you have, where you are.’ How to begin? 


Here are three thoughts that might help.


What is conflict?


The first is the importance of understanding what is actually meant by ‘conflict’.


From what I’ve observed, people generally know it when they see or experience it, but find it tricky to define in words. For some, conflict means violence; for others it’s about disagreement or difference, or a clash of wills. 


And this confusion about the nature of conflict can add to the problem, for if we’re not quite sure what conflict is, how can we be quite sure what the peace we’re striving for is either? What does it look like? Just the absence of the current problem – or something better than that?


This is the definition of conflict we use in our work at The Centre for Creative Conversation.

Conflict is the disturbance that arises when people perceive, correctly or not, that something they care about is being threatened or denied.

The implication of this is that the more deeply people care about something, the more likely it is that conflict will arise between them – even if they’re on ‘the same side’.


Peace can cause conflict


I saw this first hand some twenty years ago, when I was involved in a peace campaign triggered by the invasion of Iraq.


After rapid initial progress, the campaign stalled and everyone fell out – over ideology, strategy, tactics, resources and personalities.


There was too much passion, too much ‘threat to and denial of’ what different individuals cared about, and too little ability between us to collaborate based on mutual understanding, respect and trust.


Ironic – but not unusual. Look at the infighting that can hobble any group trying to bring about what they think will be positive change. 


That definition of conflict is also helpful in defining ‘peace’, which is essentially the condition that emerges – in various forms – when the (perceived) 'threat to or denial of’ what people care about is addressed and remedied. 


Which is another way of saying that peace is inextricably bound up with the ability to continually resolve, transform and manage conflict – without violence.


So a good starting-point in any personal peace process is to clearly identify what everyone cares about  – including you – and how everyone perceives it (correctly or not) as being threatened or denied. 


Physician, heal thyself


My second point is related to this – the need for self-awareness and self-development.


How do you personally deal with conflict – your own and others? What presses your buttons? When does the red mist descend – and why?

 

The peace campaign I mentioned above included people who were angry at the UK government’s decision on Iraq – and some people who just seemed to be angry. At everything. 


There was one person in particular who I swear could have picked a fight with their own shadow. They once confided in me that the thought of having lunch with a Tory politician to discuss the invasion made them shudder. The Tories were the eternal enemy and the idea of breaking bread with one of them seemed to this person to be an act of betrayal.


I had a similar reaction from some peace professionals when they heard that, post-Iraq, I was co-leading an international civil-military project – Understand to Prevent: The military contribution to the prevention of violent conflict


Some scoffed that this was a contradiction in terms – the military is inherently and inescapably violent. Others argued that it was ‘peace-washing’, an attempt to redeem the UK military’s image after its failures in Iraq and Afghanistan. And some just thought that I’d gone over to the dark side – the military are always the real enemy in any violent conflict and should be treated as such.


So how are you when you engage with ‘the other side’, whoever it might be? Are you able to stay open when you hear things said that you don’t like or, worse, consider truly outrageous? And if you find it difficult – as very many of us do – how are you going to address this potential vulnerability when conducting your personal peace process?


It’s not (just) what you say, it’s the way that you say it…


Which brings me to my third thought.


Drawing on my experience with the warring peace group and my subsequent work in conflict – including in Parliament and with the military – I now see that while ‘to jaw-jaw is better than to war-war’ (in Churchill's famous phrase), exactly how we jaw-jaw is crucial.


Whether it’s one-to-one, in groups, in organisations or in society as a whole, I’ve come to see that how we talk and listen to and challenge each other is actually the foundation stone on which peace is built. 


Is our talking just another way of continuing the fight, for example, with the goal of 'winning'? Or is it aimed at finding a solution to a problem that has tied everyone up in hostile – even violent – knots?


I’m now convinced that this how is central to the process of peace – a process that actually never ends. 


As with a bicycle, unless these pedals – talking and listening to understand, and challenging well – are constantly turning, constantly being made to turn by those involved, the bicycle slows, wobbles and eventually falls over.


Relationships split, organisations falter. And society falls into factions, divisions and conflict.


Which is what we’ve been seeing in the US for years now – and increasingly in other countries too, including the UK.


We need to pedal harder


My strong conviction is that unless enough of us raise our game in the fundamental area of personal communication and collaboration – unless enough of us put more conscious effort into pumping the pedals of talking and listening to people who see things differently, striving to understand each other, and challenging with wisdom – we'll be well and truly done for in the face of the huge problems building around the world. 


Especially the climate crisis.


But – crucially – this how is something each one of us can decide to improve. 


Wherever we are, whatever conflict we’re involved in, the foundations of the peace process rest in our ears, our mouths and our minds. 

3 Comments


Guest
Aug 02, 2024

I found myself thinking about how hard it is to listen to others when caught up in a spiral of frustrated, angry feelings and how much self awareness and restraint it ta stick with whatever is going on to some kind of truth-seeking and resolution.

Like
Unknown member
Aug 06, 2024
Replying to

The neuroscience of strong emotion shows that it overwhelms the rational, thinking parts of the brain, which regain control once the emotion passes or is controlled. So I guess it pays dividends to have a go-to method for rapid and effective self-control!

Like

Unknown member
Aug 02, 2024

Good stuff.

Like
bottom of page