We all need hope – so let's create some

I recently passed the thousand-hour mark as a crisis phoneline volunteer. It’s without doubt one of the best things I’ve done in my life and I’m surprised at how the milestone crept up on me.

A thousand hours is a long time to spend on the phone talking to people – or, more accurately, listening to them. I’d estimate the ratio of me listening to talking is roughly 10 to 1.

In that time I’ve learnt some key things about engaging with people in various degrees of distress, some of them suicidal.

Here are three observations.

First, given the right – that is, the wrong – circumstances, even the strongest of people can think themselves into a very dark dead-end.

At such times – and because they are literally hopeless and can see no way out of their predicament – suicide can seem the only logical way to end their pain. And often, if you look at their world only through their eyes, their logic is irrefutable.

The magic of empathy

That said – and second – as listening volunteers we’re trained not to try to argue people out of their thinking patterns, nor to offer advice.

Instead, we apply the ‘magic’ of empathy, which we show by engaging fully with the caller and striving to understand what they are going through, without judging them, however difficult or uncomfortable it might be for us to hear.

We focus on them completely, we encourage them to say whatever is on their mind, whatever is troubling them.

We patiently clarify what we’ve heard – and in so doing often help them to clarify their thoughts and feelings too.

A pivotal moment

And then – if we've shown that we’ve understood by offering an accurate summary of what we’ve heard – there often comes a pivotal moment when the caller says, ‘Yes, that’s exactly right’; or ‘You’ve hit the nail on the head’; or ‘I couldn’t have put it better myself.’

At which point a slender bond of trust has been formed and the conversation can take a new turn – maybe towards other possibilities, other options the caller might not have explored, or perhaps has dismissed but which now might be revisited in a different light.

And third, because the focus is always on empowering the caller – even to the point of acknowledging their right to end their life if that’s their decision – the combination of autonomy and the reframing with them of their situation can produce an almost miraculous event.

The emergence of hope.

Not always, but more often than might be expected. I’ve even had callers in suicidal despair at the start of a conversation who, one or two hours later, were laughing with relief and resolving to keep going.

The power of human connection

I think there's a fundamental lesson here that has much wider application – because we're living through a time in which it’s very easy to lose hope.

I know from personal experience that it is possible to create hope by connecting with another person through empathy and understanding, and together reframing the situation so that a glimmer of light can get in.

In fact, engaging in this way is one of the greatest benefits of creative conversation.

So wherever we can, let’s try to do that. Let’s create hope for ourselves and others.

Let’s face this period of growing difficulty with hope – together.

And, in that togetherness, let us (re)discover the power of human connection to forge the best future that's possible – whatever the challenges.

Check out our conversation with Mike Tunstall – '50 Years a Samaritan: Learning the power of Listening'